“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
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Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
nothing saves money like being antisocial
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.