If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
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I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
How can I say no to this ?
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.