Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…