A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
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Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Think I pulled my liver
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
my fav colour is also hitler
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not