Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?