Monica just destroyed the internet
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[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us