Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.