The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
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I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
cry laughing at this shit
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.