His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.