Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
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JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Dead sexy!!
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.