can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
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If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
My dating profile:
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.