If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
You Might Also Like
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
yea so i messed up lol
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Can Happiness buy money?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.