I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
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My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”