When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
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When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*