Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.