A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
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I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap