I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
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Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*