learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
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My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Friday night party time 🥳
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.