I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
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Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”