You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
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[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Many hands make light work
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?