Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
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Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I love you…
…r dog.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy