[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
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“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
my proudest tweet
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
#JohnTravolta
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no