GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*