A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
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I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
So that’s what we looked like?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.