“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
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I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.