*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
You Might Also Like
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
my sentiments exactly
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Super Hand Dog Face