Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
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Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
only 11 steps left
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]