read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
That lamp looks PISSED.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools