NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
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[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.