Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.