financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
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My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
When the stylist spins you back around
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
The human personality is made of five key elements
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.