New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
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[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible