I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
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The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Pikachu found the lost joint
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.