Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
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Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Meow?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!