I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
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WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
they split up moments later
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
lmfao come on
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.