TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
You Might Also Like
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
any last words?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
this isn’t threatening at all
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Body by sandwich.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.