*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
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How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
selfie game
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms