Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.