Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
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[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!