I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
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Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Meat Cute
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Tremendous stuff
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius