Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
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any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.