It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*