Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
A dad and his duck
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.