For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Here’s a meme
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.