I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
You Might Also Like
that’s really how it is
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Thursday
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Lmao
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers