I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
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Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?