My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
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Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
lol
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.