Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
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If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”