I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
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I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
called in thicc to work this morning
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
🤣🤣
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Those are good neighbors.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My new favorite headline