*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
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name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
me when the borders lift
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me